Loneliness

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

I saw this question and immediately thought of the word loneliness. Why would loneliness be most helpful in my growth as an adult? I learned a lot about loneliness when I was studying aging. One age group I didn’t study on the subject was younger adults. According to a journal article in Frontiers in Psychology, loneliness can be uniquely associated with childhood abuse (Landry, et al. 2022). Other factors that contributed were poverty and growing up in rough neighborhoods. I think that one could add that a person’s intersectionality of adverse oppression while growing up could be directly related to their loneliness as they reach adulthood.

So why would I say that loneliness, which may or may not have stemmed from childhood trauma and abuse, is such a contributing factor to my growth?

It creates a desire for more meaning.

The article explains that loneliness doesn’t just occupy the empty spaces of social isolation, it is a “lack of meaningful relationships” that is so tormenting and psychologically painful that a person begins to explore an autonomous feeling outside of their isolated feeling (Landry, et al. 2022). To summarize their study, early exploration of autonomy could ensure better well-being.

It created in me a strong thirst for something else to desire, and because of that desire, I searched for something to quench my need by exploring outside of the realms which I only knew to be my places of anguish. Surrounded by many crowds of people, I have always felt the loneliest; and when I searched alone, I found myself. I found meaning in the goals I had and the places I was going. In my purpose to always look for meaning, I found my safety, and that safe space inside myself was my home.

I remember, not long ago while doing the laundry by myself, I had this feeling of happiness. I felt like I was safest alone, because I realized that I was not truly alone. This was a feeling I had never been able to speak into words with myself. I had a conversation with myself. I spoke the words “you are not alone” and I knew it was true. I cannot tell you how to come to terms with the idea that there is a higher power, or how to talk to them, or what to call them. All I can tell you is my own experience.

I think it took steps for me. First to realize that the inner train of thought was a communication I was having already, and then to be able to both identify with and separate from rational thought and irrational thought. Just as a mother teaching their child, the inner thoughts converse. I then began to meditate and allow no judgment of thoughts (even the intrusive and isolating ones). I learned meditation through college courses in social work. I had no idea how to do it at first, but once I could follow a path of thinking in meditation, it was like there was an energy or a power and I felt the greatness of something that was bigger than me. It was with me. It was wonderful, and I was not alone.

While this study proved that there may be a correlation between a greater number of childhood trauma and the number of health problems associated with those experiences later in life, I would like to propose that when adults embrace the feelings of loneliness and isolation, it might be found that your strength lies within. It is not easy to speak to the inner thoughts of darkness when adulting is facing you head-on, but I would like to say that no matter where you are or who you are with, your inner self is guided by a power greater than yourself. All you need to do is embrace the quiet soul within you and listen.

If you are facing a big life decision and you aren’t sure what to do next, I would encourage you to try talking to yourself. Try it first outloud. (This feels really weird at first). Then once you are more comfortable with having nice conversations with yourself, then try doing the same inside your mind while you breathe. There are so many helpful breathing techniques online. These steps will lead you into an intrapersonal pathway. You will start to fall in love with just having these small conversations. You can do it while driving or taking a shower, you can place little reminders to do small things for yourself, and even thank yourself for doing them with rewards.

One example is waking up early. The reward could be a smoothie every morning, and you can use your inner thoughts to manifest why you gave yourself a smoothie. To love yourself is to always feel you belong. I hope you all are loved by someone, but most importantly, I hope you love yourself.

Loneliness is just a feeling. It is possible that we feel it so we can learn to love ourselves.

Keep growing on this path; the adulting compass we call life! 🙂

Landry, Asokumar, A., Crump, C., Anisman, H., & Matheson, K. (2022). Early life adverse experiences and loneliness among young adults: The mediating role of social processes. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 968383–968383. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.968383